Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Like Mother, Like Daughter

Today I cried. I was very tired, I was dealing with stupid insurance bureaucracy and not getting in touch with anyone, I was POed with a computer system and whoever didn't FIX it at the insurance company, I have a cold and had to drive in a terrible storm. So, when I was parked, I called Will and I cried. "I never get enough sleep, even if I do I have no energy, I hate the dark, I hate getting up in the dark, I miss the sun, I hate being sick, I have to much too do."

Flash forward. I picked up my 7 year old from dance practice. She immediately gives me terrible attitude. I'm driving the girl's home and they are being terrible. They are bickering about every little thing they can think of... that's not fair... nuh uh... yes huh.... blah blah blah. I pulled into a parking lot, turned around and threatened them with groundings, time outs, smacks across the face... this led to giggles because they know my bluff. I was losing my voice and couldn't take it, so I got Will on the phone and had him speak to each of them. The 7 year old, S, started crying. She felt so guilty. Then she told me everything I'd told Will earlier... everything and more. "I have too much homework, I never get enough sleep, I'm always tired, I have soccer every weekend, the dance recital is tomorrow and I'm hungry!" My poor, poor baby. We are in the same boat. We like to be at home, we like to have time to relax and do only what we choose, however, we are more productive when there is a schedule. But then there's a fine line between happily involved and over-involved.

I love teaching, but when I feel tired and unwell, I'd rather be home, maybe getting some laundry done!

Oh well, colds come and go. This week will end, S will enjoy her soccer game however early it is (8 am and we have to work concession wah!) and I will find some time for myself in the coming weekend. Heck, I just took some time to myself this evening and watched a show on Hulu and typed this. And thanks to some cold meds, I'm feeling better already.

Additionally, I'd like to address the dairy issue. I've been doing well, but not completely successful. Basically I am more conscious of it in my food and have made strides to choose differently. For instance, I take vanilla almond milk to school with me to have in my coffee instead of creamer. But then I had mac n cheese at my parents last weekend. So, the process continues. Truthfully, I haven't quite nixed the fish yet. Every other month Will makes salmon cakes and I chow down like I haven't eaten all day, even when I have! They are so good. Right now it's something good I'm doing for my body and my psyche because I'm not including other healthy fats regularly (like flax seed and flax seed oil and avocado). It's all about balance and it's all about feeling good. Obviously, I'm not feeling my best right now with a cold and with the change of seasons. I started taking Zoloft last... spring, I think. Early spring, maybe late winter... like March. So this is my first fall going in taking it daily. And maybe it's not enough. I don't want to increase the dosage, because does that just continue? I need to get back to my doctor and talk about this. It's not terrible to cry every so often, especially when literally sick and tired. I don't have any feelings of anxiety or overwhelming hopelessness like I did when I started taking it, but I definitely need to monitor how I'm feeling and get on top of it if I feel myself slipping. I want to enjoy each day, not dread them.

No comments: