Sunday, January 3, 2010

Dream Baby

Last night I dreamt I had a baby. It was realistic enough, but skipped the giving birth part, hurray, and picked up with the part where I am handed my beautiful baby swaddled in a hospital blanket wearing a pink, of course, knitted cap. I held her to my neck and it felt so good and so real. My clock is ticking so FREAKIN LOUD! It's driving me nuts. Will once read an article he told me about that stated that women's fertility usually begins to decrease at age 27. Well, I'm 28.5 and something is happening here. It's like my body is saying it's my last chance and don't I really, really want a baby? No. A couple weeks ago I was a few days late. Usually that doesn't bother me, but a little after mid-cycle I was nauseous in the middle of the night and when I told my lunch friends at school I was glad I didn't have to stay home because of it he suggested I might be pregnant. So then when I was late I was thinking about that and read about a bunch of cases online where women were pregnant years after their husbands had vasectomies. I was thinking how horrible a pregnancy would be because of my terrible reflux and also starting a new job--my first professional teaching position. But then I started getting the telltale signs everything was normal and, of course, it was so I scolded myself for being so ridiculous. After last night's dream I realize it's more than just being ridiculous, it's my internal clock telling me I'm still fertile and could easily--too easily--conceive another baby.

I think because of the new job and my career being my new daily focus in addition to my family I've unconsciously realized I've just begun the rest of my life. That sounds terrible. I'm aware I will do many different things and have many wonderful and not so wonderful experiences with my family, in my career, in my social life. So why am I so dramatic about this job being the start of something major? It's just a job. It's a job that may end sometime because of my choice or circumstances out of my control. It's an experience. That's it. It's not the be all, end all.

Anyway, something inside my body/consciousness is out of control and it needs to chill the fuck out. Seriously.

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