Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Not happy

I've been feeling trapped lately. I've felt trapped before, by my baby. Of course I wasn't trapped at home. I could go out, but I was tethered to G because I was her only source of sustenance. Finding a play group was the best thing for me at the time because then I didn't feel alone in that sentiment.

Now I'm trapped by something else. It has multiple factors, but mostly I am trapped by my health, or poor health. I'm not alone in this situation. I have to say I have it pretty good. I don't have a life threatening disease. I don't have cancer. I don't even feel bad most of the time. My asthma is so mild. My allergies are not flaring. My reflux is mostly controlled by medicine. And that's where the problem lies. If any of these three things flares, the medication is expensive. And I cannot STOP taking medicine for reflux and that shit is so expensive. I know I've recently explained this, but I'm just feeling more and more down about it.

The economy is out of my hands. The lack of employment opportunity in my chosen field is out of my hands. It's not my fault I don't have a job right now. The only option I have in my chosen career is to substitute and I've already explained how I'm forced to either not work and have my medicine and health care covered by medicaid or go on Will's insurance and have to sub just to make back the money we'd be spending on my health care. Either way, we're stuck here.

Here is my parents' house. It's fine, it's fine. BUT we want our own place. My children want our own house. If it feels like a long wait for me, I imagine it feels almost hopeless for them. S was telling me on the way to school she wants us to get our own house NOW. We could do it, really. We could find a low price rental (they're more available these days) and we could stay on medicaid and get food stamps, but that would just make it impossible to pay off the debt we're able to at this time, even without my having a job. So, we can't let our desire to move out overrule the common sense plan we've got going here, which is to pay off debt while we're here and then we'll be in an awesome position to buy a house (or rent still depending on what we can find) when I DO get a job. Because I will. It's so very frustrating right now, but I will get a job, eventually.

Imagine if I didn't have to be below a certain income to have health care. Imagine that I could just fill out a form and have health care coverage like I do now with Medicaid, but I could make money! I could substitute teach so I keep my foot in the door and get experience and get paid. I could take long term sub positions. That's just not an option right now and I really want it to be soon. Instead, I'm trapped in my parents' house because having my upper endoscopy covered is more important than making $75 a day subbing.

You know that argument about not wanting the public option becoming the only option? Well, that's BS. There will always be private companies. Even England has private companies for supplemental care. Look at Medicare and Medicaid. There are options for each. I had about 7 different companies to choose from when I signed up. There were options!

A public option would give us the option of moving out and being independent.

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