Thursday, January 31, 2008

Comment--self revealing

Read this post: http://cfhusband.blogspot.com/2008/01/afraid-of-heights.html

Now, to comment. Nate and Trish met very young and are now married and facing challenges you can read about on Nate's blog. This article touched something that I have experienced: thinking about losing my spouse at a young age (and as I'm aging... at ANY age). I've thought about how I would react. When I had only 1 baby I thought I'd have to take some time out at a mental hospital. I was often depressed, mostly during the winter thanks to S.A.D. (seasonal affective dissorder), and could easily see that depression become something I could never get out of (at least for a while) should I lose my husband. In the past, I pushed my husband away emotionally while feeling sorry for myself. Stupid. I'd think it'd be easier for him to just leave me than to have to lose him at some unknown time later in life when I'd least expect it (folks, it never got that bad...these were just fleeting thoughts in the dark of night that I barely gave voice to and never acknowledged during regular life). One day I did have to acknowledge these thoughts, however, when my husband expressed how he was feeling uncared for. That's when these nighttime, depressive thoughts flooded into my brain and I cried and told him how I'd thought these things and how it's so scary to think of losing him and I was subconsciously trying to maintain distance in case I did.

Some tough times made me realize how wrong I was to push away my partner. These experiences were: the premature birth of my second daughter, moving away from family to a new (yet, old) town, and adopting a new nuclear family member, husband's great-uncle who was unknowingly suffering from Parkinson's. Through all that, my husband and I leaned on one another. My faith in God is strong and stayed strong, but my faith in religion, church, Jesus... shook. Part of it was that great-uncle was a priest. And I did not like great-uncle. I've moved on with that, though, and forgave him and myself (the former before he died, the latter after).

I've realized I am strong and now that I have 2 kids, I know I would still be strong should I ever lose my husband. I'd get help and support for sure, but I'd get on with life and not drown in sorrow.

My point is that marriage and tough times have made me question my beliefs, myself, and my husband. But all that questioning gave me some pretty great answers:
1. I'm fine with not knowing some things. I'll keep questioning though. What I know is that I need God and he/she is there for me.
2. I've found I am strong and I know when to ask for help when I'm not feeling my best.
3. My husband is and will always be there for me and our kids as long as physically possible.

Now, when I think about the possibility of losing my husband (or God forbid, my kids) I don't dwell on the fear. I tell myself, appreciate them this day and thank God for this life in which I can have so much love.

For some it's difficult to imagine spending life with one person starting at such a young, inexperienced age (18). And it's that idea that has put fear and doubt into my own mind. I see it like this: It doesn't matter the age or time frame in which I have my husband. As long as I do, I will love him.

**As a side note to this post, I would like to say that I do not believe love is all it takes. If that were it, marriage wouldn't be worth while. It takes many things, such as humor, consideration, empathy, sacrifice, forgiveness......... It takes the same stuff to stay intuned with one's children and give them one's best. So when I say "love him," I mean in a physical, mental, spiritual, action-oriented way... not just a feeling.